1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13Deuteronomy 21:11-13
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
11 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; ¹² Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; pare: or, suffer to grow: Heb. make, or, dress ¹³ And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.  

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2. Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3Hosea 1:1-3
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
Hosea ^{1 1} The word of the LORD that came unto Hosea, the son of Beeri, in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah, and in the days of Jeroboam the son of Joash, king of Israel. ² The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD. ³ So he went and took Gomer the daughter of Diblaim; which conceived, and bare him a son.  

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3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Exodus 2:16-21Exodus 2:16-21
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
16 Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father's flock. priest: or, prince ¹⁷ And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. ¹⁸ And when they came to Reuel their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day? Reuel: called also Jethro, or, Jether ¹⁹ And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock. ²⁰ And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? call him, that he may eat bread. ²¹ And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter.  

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4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10Ruth 4:5-10
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
5 Then said Boaz, What day thou buyest the field of the hand of Naomi, thou must buy it also of Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of the dead, to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance. ⁶ And the kinsman said, I cannot redeem it for myself, lest I mar mine own inheritance: redeem thou my right to thyself; for I cannot redeem it. ⁷ Now this was the manner in former time in Israel concerning redeeming and concerning changing, for to confirm all things; a man plucked off his shoe, and gave it to his neighbour: and this was a testimony in Israel. ⁸ Therefore the kinsman said unto Boaz, Buy it for thee. So he drew off his shoe. ⁹ And Boaz said unto the elders, and unto all the people, Ye are witnesses this day, that I have bought all that was Elimelech's, and all that was Chilion's and Mahlon's, of the hand of Naomi. ¹⁰ Moreover Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of Mahlon, have I purchased to be my wife, to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance, that the name of the dead be not cut off from among his brethren, and from the gate of his place: ye are witnesses this day.  

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5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25Judges 21:19-25
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
19 Then they said, Behold, there is a feast of the LORD in Shiloh yearly in a place which is on the north side of Bethel, on the east side of the highway that goeth up from Bethel to Shechem, and on the south of Lebonah. yearly: Heb. from year to year on the east...: or, toward the sunrising of the highway: or, on the highway ²⁰ Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards; ²¹ And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin. ²² And it shall be, when their fathers or their brethren come unto us to complain, that we will say unto them, Be favourable unto them for our sakes: because we reserved not to each man his wife in the war: for ye did not give unto them at this time, that ye should be guilty. Be favourable...: or, Gratify us in them ²³ And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught: and they went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them. ²⁴ And the children of Israel departed thence at that time, every man to his tribe and to his family, and they went out from thence every man to his inheritance. ²⁵ In those days there was no king in Israel: every man did that which was right in his own eyes.  

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6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. – Adam (Genesis 2:19-24Genesis 2:19-24
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. Adam: or, the man ²⁰ And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. gave: Heb. called ²¹ And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; ²² And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. made: Heb. builded ²³ And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Woman: Heb. Isha Man: Heb. Ish ²⁴ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.  

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7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30Genesis 29:15-30
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
15 And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be? ¹⁶ And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured. ¹⁸ And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. ¹⁹ And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me. ²⁰ And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her. ²¹ And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. ²² And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast. ²³ And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her. ²⁴ And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid. ²⁵ And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me? ²⁶ And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. country: Heb. place ²⁷ Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years. ²⁸ And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also. ²⁹ And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his handmaid to be her maid. ³⁰ And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.  

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8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17Genesis 4:16-17
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. ¹⁷ And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. Enoch: Heb. Chanoch  

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10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4Esther 2:3-4
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
3 And let the king appoint officers in all the provinces of his kingdom, that they may gather together all the fair young virgins unto Shushan the palace, to the house of the women, unto the custody of Hege the king's chamberlain, keeper of the women; and let their things for purification be given them: unto the...: Heb. unto the hand Hege: also called, Hegai ⁴ And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. And the thing pleased the king; and he did so.  

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11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” – Samson (Judges 14:1-3Judges 14:1-3
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
14 ¹ And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines. ² And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife. ³ Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. pleaseth...: Heb. is right in mine eyes  

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12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-31 Kings 11:1-3
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
11 ¹ But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites; together...: or, beside ² Of the nations concerning which the LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love. ³ And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.  

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15. A wife? NOT! – Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-351 Corinthians 7:32-35
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV
32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: that belong...: Gr. of the Lord ³³ But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. ³⁴ There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. ³⁵ And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.  

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