It was written in his own handwriting and found at the bottom of a drawer of a desk after he’d died. It was published in order to help other Christians. It certainly made me realise that this man who wrote it, one of the most saintly men I have ever heard, had in his own heart gone through the kind of troubles and the kind of doubts which all of us have.
He had written –
I am irritable and easily put out. I’m impatient with my wife and children.
I’m deceitful in that I often express private annoyance when a caller is announced but then pretend pleasure when I actually greet them.
I am crudely ambitious; I want to do things for praise, rather than to serve. I’m more concerned of what people will think about me than what they think about my Lord and His word.
I’ve long felt that something was hindering my effectiveness in serving; I can’t be living a truly Christian life.
I am driven in pain to conclude that the girl who has lived, as a maid in this house for three years has not felt drawn to the Christian life because of me. I find that I am envious in my heart at the greater success of other Christians. I seem to match myself with them in thought, but I’m vaguely jealous when they attract more notice than I do.
You could hardly believe that a saintly man such as W.E.Sangster should have even thought that, but then that’s what the saints do, they’re so honest. They pour it out before God and then, (well I don’t have time to read you about the blessing they receive), but you try being as honest as that and then see the blessing you get.